A Place in my Heart

I recently saw JJ Heller perform her new single, "Who You Are", and it touched a place in my heart that I often hide from others.  You probably know the place I am talking about.  It's the place where I store my emotions when I want to keep them as far as possible from the surface.  It's the place where all my doubts and questions linger.  It's the place where the hurt and pain from our losses still resides.  It's the place where the fear of whether or not we'll be able to have an earthly child camps out.

Anyone who has experienced a loss of any kind is probably aware of this place to some degree.  And if you're anything like me, you know this place well.  Immediately after our losses, our wounds were so fresh and our hearts so raw that it was basically impossible to avoid.  The tears would readily flow and I would awake with our baby/babies on my mind and a heavy sadness consuming my heart.  However, as more time continues to pass, I realize that I do not visit that place as often.  At times I intentionally avoid it because I don't want to feel the hurt.  However, there are times, when something or someone, takes me to that place whether I want to go there or not.  In all honestly, even though I don't love going there (or hate it at times), sometimes I don't mind when it gets invaded (at least after the fact).  Mostly because I know that those are times when God brings more healing to my heart.

So back to where I started - That moment that recently took me to that place.  Below is the music video for the song that recently took me to that place.  If you so choose, watch this video (with warning that it may take you to that place) and listen to the lyrics of the song.

I am not going to dissect the lyrics or meaning of this video to me.  I am simply going to allow it be whatever it was for you.  It may or may not have touched that place.  To be honest, it didn't the first time I saw it, but I think that was primarily because I did not want it to.  In that moment, I chose not to let it in.  However, when I was physically present at the concert, I had no choice, but to allow the tears to flow and allow God to heal.  

"I don't know what You're doing, but I know who You are."

Hurts like [insert heart-wrenching metaphor here]

For those of you who recently lost your baby, all I can say is it hurts like [insert heart-wrenching metaphor here].  I know there is nothing I can do or say to take away your pain, but I can say, "I really do understand."  Although the circumstances surrounding our situations may differ, we share a common bond.  I remember sleepless nights.  I remember waking up each morning with a heavy heart full of so much pain.  I remember wondering if my life would ever go back to "normal" again or at the very least have less sadness.  I remember the emptiness.  I remember the devastation and disappointment of lost hopes and dreams.  I remember longing to hold my baby, yet having empty arms. I remember the fear of wondering if I would ever be able to have a child of my own.  There is no way to sugar coat the experience or feelings.  It hurts like [insert heart-wrenching metaphor here].

BUT, I can tell you that there is a God who can bring healing to your heart if you choose to let Him in.  I can tell you that one day it will feel different than it does now.  I can tell you that there is the possibility of peace and comfort in the midst of pain.  I can tell you that you are not alone in your pain.  I can tell you that even though it hurts like [insert heart-wrenching metaphor here], it won't feel like this forever.  Yes, there may be still be moments or triggers that take you back to that familiar place, but it won't hurt like this everyday for the rest of your life.  I can tell you that this is not the end of God's story for your life.  Yes, it is a painful chapter, but it is not the conclusion.  I know that knowing this doesn't take away the pain you feel now, but it does offer hope.  This is not the end - Your story is still being written.  The next chapter will come.  Keep holding on.

Getting Older, Bad Eggs, and Risk-Free Living

After a discussion with our doctor and a multitude of encouragement from others, we decided to get second opinion regarding my gene mutation.  Deciding to get a second opinion did not come easily for me.  Mostly because I hate change and am an extremely loyal person, sometimes to a fault.  However, my love for our babies and future babies (God-willing) drove me to abandon my loyalty and fear of change to seek a second opinion.

On Monday, we met with a doctor a friend of ours referred us to.  As the doctor entered the room, she warmly greeted us.  Her earnest welcome suddenly made the sterile exam room feel more welcoming, and tentatively caused my nervousness to subside.  Following a couple of superficial comments, our conversation proceeded to the purpose of our visit and continued with a detailed discussion of our two losses, which did not come easily, I might add.  

After I shared, she responded with an alternative perspective I had never considered before or heard prior to that appointment.  She frankly said that she believed our miscarriages had nothing to do with my gene mutation.  Her theory was based on two facts.  First, I have only one copy of the gene mutation opposed to two, and second, our miscarriages were two different situations and circumstances.  She proceeded to say that she believed our first miscarriage was the result of statistics (most likely caused by chromosomal abnormalities) and the second was more than likely the result of a "bad egg".  

She went on to explain that as we get older, our ovaries are more likely to release a "bad egg".  I am not quite sure what she said directly after that statement because my brain was fixated on the word "older", which was then followed by a mini-meltdown in my head as I considered the fact that I was getting "older" and would, at times, release "bad eggs".  A reality I had never really took the time to face prior to that moment so you can imagine my surprise.  Reality hit hard.  I continued to process her words in my mind, "I am getting 'older' and sometimes my ovaries will release 'bad eggs'."  This reality brought a familiar emotion:  Fear.

I tried to collect myself and dismiss the fear, but I couldn't help but think about the fact that statistics, my "older" age, and "bad eggs" could not be prevented or cured.  So I found myself, once again, desperately longing for a guarantee that we would never have to suffer a miscarriage again.  Instead of being grateful that I don't have an incurable problem or possibly not even a problem at all, I whined and complained about not having a risk-free plan that would eradicate all my fears, the risk that comes with trying again, and the uncertainty of the future.  I was so bent on living a risk-free life without pain or conflicts or consequences that I failed to see the beauty of the fresh, new perspective I had just been offered.  

I think as human beings we naturally long for security and safety.  We long for a guarantee so we do not have to take risks and face our fears.  We long for understanding so things will feel smaller and within our control.  We dislike feeling out of control because it's scary, unpredictable, and involves risk.  But this world does not offer guarantees and definitive answers, just educated guesses and logical conclusions.  It does not offer security and safety, just impostors that falsely promise these things.  It does not because it cannot.  It wasn't intended to.

Although my humanity and finite mind still desperately long for a visible guarantee, a promise that our future will not include things of the past - I know that true security and safety can only be found in my Savior's loving arms, no matter our circumstances.  He is showing me that when I choose to stop looking for my security and safety in this world,  I am free to trust Him with our future, face my fears, and take risks.  Risks that although they do not come with a guarantee, come with a purpose and a plan beyond my scope of vision.  And in the end, I would rather take the risk of experiencing heartache and loss all over again then to live in the safety of a risk-free life and miss out on one of the most precious gifts in this world...holding our baby in our arms.  Things that are worthwhile involve risk, and this is a risk that is as worthwhile as they come.

Unexpected Moments

There is something that happens to pain as time passes.  It is not that it disappears or that the painful experience stops affecting the person - because loss changes a person - but as time passes, the pain becomes different.  In the beginning it's raw, oh so raw like an open wound exposed to all the surrounding elements, so delicate, so fragile, so vulnerable.  Then something happens.  As more time passes and healing takes place, it does not feel quite so raw.

However, there are still moments that come and seem to come from nowhere, that take you right back to that raw place.  I have had a couple of those over the past few weeks.  One of them was on Christmas day.  Christmas day began with a big southern breakfast, continued with opening gifts, and was interspersed with visiting with family.  The day was full and so were the homes we were in.  Yet, at the end of the day, I had this feeling of aching emptiness.

At first, I was not sure where these feelings were coming from.  I thought, "Maybe I am a little homesick since we are not celebrating Christmas in our own home this year".  But that failed to explain the depth of my feelings.  My feelings also failed to be explained by loneliness because I was surrounded by family who loved me and I loved back.  Then it hit me, the most obvious reason, "Our baby is not here with us".  Ashton's due date was about two weeks before Christmas and although Christmas had arrived, he or she was not in our arms.

My heart was aching for our baby and my arms were empty.  And suddenly the unexpected pain of our initial loss flooded my heart and mind.  The horror of that day.  The heartbreak.  The flood of tears.  The fears coming to life.  The pain.  Words fail to bring life to my feelings that day, but on the eve of Christmas, they were very real to me.  It was one of those moments and I felt raw.

Earlier this week, I had another one of those unexpected moments.  As a counselor, I know that people who experience trauma (or loss) can be triggered by a sound, a smell, a movement, a sight, a word that can instantaneously take them back to a traumatic moment they experienced in the past.  I know this, but had never experienced it like I did that day.  On Tuesday morning, my period started and it was more painful than it had ever been.  In an attempt to go on with my day, I took some pain medication and waited for it to kick in.

Later in the day (I am getting really personal here), I took a trip to the bathroom and realized that it was not only more painful, but also heavier than it's ever been.  And in that moment, at the sight of blood while simultaneously experiencing painful cramps, I was taken back.  Back to the moment of our second miscarriage.  It literally felt like I was experiencing it all over again.  I had been triggered.  I felt paralyzed by fear and my eyes instantly welled up with tears.  Immediately feeling what I felt then.  The fear.  The pain.  The loss.  The grief.  The tears flowed and I let them.  I could not control it.  I could not stop it.  Not that I had a choice, but I did not even try to fight it.  They needed a way out and I needed it too.

These were the moments that came and unexpectedly took me back to that place.  That painful, raw, heart-wrenching place.  And although I hate re-experiencing the heartbreak and pain, I don't mind the fact that they remind me not of where I have been, but of where I have come from.  Those moments, even though they hurt like do, do not mean that I am back where started from.  Instead, they are a reminder of what I have overcome.  A reminder of what God has brought us through and continues to.  A reminder of my love for our precious babies.  For if the love was lacking, it would not hurt so bad.  So instead of living in fear of those unexpected moments and attempting to fight the pain when it comes, I hope to embrace the reminders of where I have come from, what I have overcome, what God has brought us through and will continue to, our love for our precious babies, and our babies lives - even though short they were - they have forever changed us.

A New Year

I love the possibilities of a new year, especially this year.  Last year was one of the most challenging years I've experienced so needless to say I am very thankful it's a new year.  Last year started out with settling into our new home, high hopes, and the anticipation of starting a family.  It was a joyous and exciting time in our lives and marriage.  Finding out we were pregnant in April brought much excitement and joy.  We went to our 10 week ultrasound with the hope of seeing our baby and hearing his or her heartbeat only to discover we had experienced a missed miscarriage.

September brought joy and excitement once again with the news of our second pregnancy, but it resulted in loosing our second baby in October when I was just shy of 8 weeks along.  These experiences have brought much heartache, grief, questions, disappointment, anxiety, and fear.  However, our story does not stop there.  God has also brought healing, new found hope, growth, maturity, and an increased awareness of His love and comfort.  They didn't come easily, but they came and they continue to.

Today I am full of thankfulness for a fresh start and a new beginning.  I am thankful we no longer have to be plagued by the year 2012.  Even though some of the wounds still remain, just the thought of a new year brings hope and possibility once again.  It does not erase the pain of last year, but it brings the possibility that this year could be different, better.  I realize that what this year holds is completely out of my control - I learned the hard way last year that very little is actually in my control - but I just love having a new beginning.

I hope that no matter what this year holds, my love, faith, and trust in God will continue to grow.  I hope my love for my husband and our marriage will continue to grow and mature, and that I will frequently exercise gratitude for the time we have to share our lives together.  I hope that the wounds in my heart will continue to heal.  In raw honesty, I hope that we will experience the joy and excitement of conception and that we will hold our own baby in our arms.  And although I know there are many factors and things I cannot control, I will continue to hope.  And in addition to hope, I will also hold tightly to God's love and trustworthiness no matter what our circumstances may be.

It feels so good to have renewed hope and possibilities, and for this moment I choose to simply enjoy these gifts and let go of everything else.

Aching Arms

Today my arms are aching.  They are aching because they long to hold our first child...yet they remain empty.  Today marks our first child's expected due date.  I cannot help but think about what might have been or what should have been.  The "should have been's" get me every time.  Lately, these have been the biggest triggers of my grief and today is a big "should have been". 

We should have been meeting our baby face to face for the first time.  We should have been looking into our baby's big brown or blue eyes and experiencing something our hearts have yet to experience.  We should have been holding our baby in our arms, rejoicing.  Instead, my arms are empty and aching.

Our precious baby is on my mind and heart today.  And today is a day to remember him or her.  A day to remember the short, but significant impact he or she has had on our hearts and lives.  A day to remember the grieving, but also the healing.  A day to briefly reflect on those moments we never thought we would survive, yet to see how our God has brought us through.  

However, to be very honest, a part of me does not want to forget even the horrific days because even those encompass the memories I have of our baby.  Although there is much pain in those memories, there is also so much love for someone we have never met.  I remember being so excited to see our baby for the first time on the ultrasound screen and to hear his or her heartbeat.  And even though that day was the furthest thing from what we hoped, our love for our baby and our joy to see him or her is something I still hold dear.

Even as I am writing this, I am realizing that it is not only about holding onto the memories.  The time was just too short and the memories were just so few that I actually fear forgetting our baby.  However, as I type this I realize how silly that sounds because you cannot forget someone who is a part of you and a part of your heart.  Even though it may hurt less and less often, our love for baby will always be there.  Our healing does not mean we are forgetting our baby or loving him or her any less, and in the same way our remembering and reflecting does not mean we have to relive and re-grieve everything all over again.

It is apparent that there are times in the grieving process when we experience extremely painful moments and have flashbacks, but today is different.  It is different because some healing has taken place.  It is different because we are further from where we began.  It is different because there has been some acceptance.  Today is a day of reflection, and for me part of that reflection is the natural inclination to think of "what should have been" and for this reason my heart and empty arms ache.

However, today is also a day of remembering.  Remembering the hopes and dreams we had for our baby.  Remembering the anticipation and excitement of seeing a picture of our baby for the first time.  Remembering how deeply Ashton touched my heart and changed me, even though his or her life was so brief.  All of which point to the huge amount of love we have for our baby.  A love that will always remain through all time, circumstances, and healing. 

Black & White

After our second miscarriage, my doctor suggested a myriad of tests that could be done in order to help us find out if there was anything contributing to our past miscarriages.  A few weeks later we sat down with our doctor and made a list of the tests we decided on.  The list was limited due to our insurance coverage, but we felt like it was great starting place.  After the list was made, I sat down in that plastic chair once again to get more blood drawn.  I looked away as the technician poked my arm and began to fill multiple tubes with blood.  Once she finished, we parted ways and I wondered what the results would be and how long it would take for my results to come back.

A week later I got the call.  The voice on the phone was one of the office workers.  She asked, "Are you guys trying right now?"  I replied "No, we were waiting until we found out the results of the tests."  She said, "Oh.  I was going to call in a prescription for you if you were because one of your tests came back positive."  "Oh...kay...Can you tell me what is was?", I asked.  "I don't really know.  All I know is that the doctor typically calls in a prescription when people have this particular type of situation."  So I responded, "Sooooo...it seems like it's something that can be treated?"

This, of course, was the most important question in my mind.  I had fears that something would come back positive, but my biggest fear of all was that it would not be treatable.  She said, "It appears so.  When can you come in to see the doctor?"  I gave her an overview of my schedule and she said the soonest she could get me in was in two weeks due to the holiday.  We scheduled the appointment and she hung up the phone.  As soon as we hung up, I noticed my anxiety level increasing as innumerable thoughts and worries began to swirl in my mind.

After two weeks of anxious thoughts, fears, and worries, my doctor's appointment finally arrived.  I nervously sat in the room they escorted me to waiting for the doctor to enter.  Shortly upon entering, she began to describe which test came back positive.  She explained that I have a mutated MTHFR gene that can cause a high level of homocysteine in the blood, which in turn can cause blood clots.  She also shared that low amounts of Folic Acid, Vitamin B-12, and Vitamin B-6 are also a factor.  Additionally, I learned that research is divided as to whether or not it is a direct cause of miscarriages, but many researchers have found a correlation.

The good news, she shared, was that there are treatment options, and although they vary from one doctor to the next, she revealed that some of her patients with the same diagnosis have went on to have healthy pregnancies with treatment.  She explained that her typical method of treatment is a cocktail of the previously mentioned vitamins and a baby aspirin if/when blood clots arise.  She also said that I only have one copy of the mutated gene as opposed to two, which offers more hope than the alternative.

The next step at this point is to have my homocysteine level tested, but in order to do so, I have to be off my prenatal vitamin for thirty days since it contains Folic Acid, Vitamin B-12, and Vitamin B-6.  This test is important because from my understanding, it is not the gene itself that causes the complications, but a high homocysteine level.  Once we have these results, we will be able to determine which treatment options to pursue.  So now we wait.

When reflecting on this experience, I realize that I had hoped to leave my doctor's office that day with a guarantee that we would never suffer a miscarriage again.  Oh, how I desperately long for things to be black and white.  If there is a problem, I want a solution.  If there is a diagnosis, I want a standard treatment of practice.  If there is a question, I want an answer.   Instead, I left with feelings of uncertainty, fear of other diseases this mutation can contribute to, confusion caused by my lack of skills in the subject area of Biology, unanswered questions, no standard treatment of practice, a correlation to miscarriages opposed to a direct cause, and no guarantee.  No guarantee that, once we cross all our "t's" and dot all our "i's", we will not have to experience or fear losing another child.

I know I am not the only one who longs for things to be black and white.  A guarantee that everything is going to be okay.  I long for it more now than I ever have in my whole life.  Loss does that to a person.  However, in the midst of these feelings, I am thankful that our diagnosis is not the end all of hope.  I am thankful for possibility.  I am thankful for treatment options.  I am thankful once again, that even though it feels like I have no control, I can rest in the arms of the One who does.  Which is easier said than done most of the time, but nevertheless I know it is the Truth and the Truth is black and white even when it does not feel that way.