Friday, March 4, 2016

I Didn't Know

When I was weeks away from turning 22, I ceremoniously committed my life to my best friend.  This day had been marked on my calendar and in my heart for about a year (a lifetime, really).  I counted down the days in anticipation of it's arrival.  It was a beautiful day.  A day full of hope, excitement, anticipation, and expectation...It was a dream come true.  

Recently, one particular moment from that day has been coming to mind, a part of my vow that I spoke to my husband as we committed our lives to one another.      
"I will seek the Lord and spend time in His Word, for it is only through His grace and strength that I will be able to be the woman, wife, and someday mother both you and God desire me to be."

When those words left my lips, I had no idea how our story would unfold.  I didn't know what was to come.  I didn't know babies could die before they were even born.  I didn't know people could try to conceive for years only to be left longing.   I didn't know.  My almost 22 year old self just thought people got married and had babies.  I didn't know any different.

We were married for seven years before our longing to become parents was undeniable.  We had spent the first seven years of our marriage learning how to be married and pursuing callings God had placed on our hearts.  But months after we settled into our first home, we both felt excited and ready to start trying to conceive. 

This month marks four years since that journey began.  Our journey began hopeful as we were blessed to conceive right away (a gift I do not take for granted after all these years of waiting).  I remember the excitement and anticipation of this child's life and the love I already had for him or her.  Yet, all our hopes were crushed when we attended our ten week ultrasound only to discover our baby didn't have a heartbeat.

Three months after our first miscarriage, we were blessed to conceive a second time (again a gift I don't take for granted).  This pregnancy was very different from the first.  Because of our previous loss, I had fears and anxieties and reservations, but they couldn't stop me from hoping and dreaming and loving our child even though I was afraid.  However, my fears became reality eight weeks later when we miscarried our second child.

After that first year of loss and heart-wrenching pain, we decided to try again and have been trying ever since.  It's been a long four years.  Years filled with loss, heartbreak, tears, unanswered questions, doubts, confusion, pain, disappointment, aching, longing, hopelessness, wondering, doctors' appointments, and testing.  But also with reminders of God's faithfulness and love, a stronger and deeper connection as husband and wife, comfort and prayers from people who care, healing after our losses, peace that passes understanding, and a deeper, more mature faith.

When those words left my lips eleven and half years ago, I had no idea how our story would unfold.  I didn't know what was to come.  And I still don't, but I do know that in this very moment, I have peace.  I have Peace.