I don't know about you, but I am an extremely analytical person so whenever I am having days like these, I try to "figure out" why I am feeling this way. Sometimes there are specific situations or thoughts that trigger my sorrow, but some days there are not, and the pain just hits me out of the blue. Last weekend, I was watching a movie on television and a commercial advertising a pregnancy test came on. The woman expressed joy when the pregnancy test result was positive, and my response: Tears uncontrollably started flowing down my cheeks and I was filled with sadness. My mind flashed back to our response when our pregnancy test result was positive and our own joy then it quickly switched back to the reality that we will never meet that child here on earth.
Later in the evening when the movie was over, I shut the television off and as soon as the room was silent, I started crying hysterically - warm tears racing down my face, frequently snorting as I attempted to catch my breath. I had not cried like that since the first couple weeks of our loss. And it kept coming, the tears flowing, the snorts continuing, the attempt at deep breaths failing, the snot forming. I needed to lament so my body and spirit took advantage of the still, quiet moment to release my tears and sorrow and pain over my loss.
Today, I am lamenting again. It's probably the combination of my anticipation of seeing a pregnant family member and hugging family members I have not seen since prior to our loss. But even more than that, it's my ongoing track of the progress of our pregnancy in the back of my mind. Today would have marked 20 weeks of our pregnancy. Halfway through! Soon to discover the gender of our baby, if not already. I try not to keep a running tally of "what would have been" because I don't think it's the best way for me to move forward, however the significant mile markers definitely remain - the halfway point, discovering the sex of the baby, the due date.
Writing provides me with the opportunity to lament. Yes, putting my thoughts and feelings on a page make them very real, but expressing them provides relief. It does not take away the sadness, but it does decreases the heaviness of grief and releases some of my pain and sorrow through my words and tears.
So baby girl or boy, I miss you today. I miss carrying you and supporting your life and development. I hate the fact that I will never hold you here on earth or see you face to face. However, thank you for the opportunity, though very short it was to celebrate your life and be a part of your creation and existence. I look forward to the day when we will be reunited in Heaven and I can hold your in my arms and look into your eyes. Until that day, know you are loved and missed.Take time to lament. It hurts, but it heals.