This card was a beautiful gift because it literally made me laugh out loud and gave me something to smile about. Laughter and smiles in the midst of grief are such a blessing because they are often rare. Laughter, plus the love and support from my friend expressed in the card, not to mention her listening ear earlier in the day resulted in some healing today. Sometimes it's the simplest things that can aide in the healing process.
Time definitely does help heal all wounds, but just as with shark bites, our wounds need more than just time. I am grateful for the two months (as of today) that have passed since we learned our baby was with Jesus because the simple pass of time has healed some of our wounds. However, some of them hurt just as much like the fact that I will always miss our baby (until I am reunited with him or her in Heaven) no matter how much time has gone by.
I wish grief had a specific measurable amount of time like two months or six months or even a year as long as it came with a guarantee that it would never hurt again after that specific period of time. However, that just isn't realistic and accepting that has been one of the hardest things for me lately. Mostly because I am a planner who loves structure and lists, especially checklists. I wish I could make a checklist of the steps of grief so I could check them off as fast as possible. But as I stated in a previous post, "grief is messy". It takes on a life of it's own and does not follow any specific plan or checklist. And that's so difficult for me because I want to know the steps I need to take so I can just get it over and done with.
Right now, God is challenging me to let go of my expectations, my expectations for myself, my grief, and the healing process. Letting go of my expectation of where I think I should be at this point in time. Letting go of my expectation of how emotional I think I should be. Letting go of my expectation of how much I should talk about what I am feeling. Letting go so I can just be. Just be myself. Feel what I feel when I feel it without worrying about what I think I should feel or feeling guilty on the days I don't feel as much as I think I should. Letting go because my expectations have only led to guilt, shame, discouragement, and frustration, and because it's simply not what God wants for you or me.
Therefore, today I am committing to just being me. I am committing to feeling when the feelings come and not forcing them when they do not exist. I am committing to seeking out a listening ear when I need to share, but not forcing it just because I think I should. I am committing to letting go of my expectations, believing and trusting that God is the One who heals my wounds, not my checklist or plans. Psalm 147:3 (The Holy Bible, NIV) states, "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." So may you believe and trust that God truly is the One who heals all wounds, however on days when you just need to smile, remember "Time heals all wounds, except shark bites."
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