Saturday, April 13, 2013

Trying Again, Again

For the past couple months we have been in the "trying again" phase.  I guess "trying again, again" is a more accurate way to put it.  I miss the innocence and pure joy of our very first experience of trying to conceive.  There was so much anticipation, excitement, and so much hope.  It was such a beautiful season in our life and marriage.  One that God blessed greatly when we conceived our first child.

Trying again after we lost our first child still brought anticipation and excitement, but this time it was coupled with fear and anxiety.  Knowing the joy of conceiving and the anticipation of seeing our beautiful baby for the first time, only to discover he or she did not have a heartbeat, caused our hearts to be more reserved the second time around.  However, when we discovered that we were pregnant again, we could not help, but be excited, even though we were scared to death of another loss.

Now here we are again.  Two losses later.  Trying again, again.  I think all the innocence has been stripped from this experience and oh how I miss it.  But it's almost impossible to hope recklessly and love with abandon when my heart has been broken into a million pieces...twice.  Plus, I honestly cannot deny the fear and doubt that is some times overwhelming as I wonder first of all if we will be able to conceive again, and secondly, if we will carry a baby full-term.  The fear and doubt can be paralyzing and so destructive.  At times, it steals my joy, my hope, my dreams, and possibilities.  I am ashamed to say it does, but in these moments, my humanity is ever-present.

BUT, I refuse to allow my fear and doubt to be victorious, God help me.  Even in my weakest, more vulnerable, fragile, and raw moments, I must choose hope, faith, and trust.  Not just in anything or anyone, but in my Redeemer.  This is the only thing that keeps me going.  Admittedly, there are moments when my questions or uncertainties or anger or confusion cause my faith waiver, but God always brings me back to His Truth through a song, a person, His Word, a prayer...whatever He chooses to use in the moment.

Not to say that those moments of doubt are painless or easy or without blemish.  I have failed to trust Him many times in the midst of these moments.  I have doubted His plan, His timing, and His will.  My heart has been wracked with pain and hurt and unanswered questions.  Over the past couple months, these moments have been brought on by the start of my period - every failed attempt at conception.  These have been some of the most devastating moments lately.  My heart has ached, tears have poured, questions have arose, yet God in His alluring mercy reminds me of His Truth and who He is.  He is loving.  He is merciful.  He is gracious.  He knows what He is doing.  He has a plan.  He is in control.  He is good.

When my heart is breaking, it is difficult to believe these Truths.  It is difficult to trust that He is good and that His plan is good, especially when it's the furthest thing from what I want in the moment.  Yet, because His mercies are new each morning or mourning (if you will), I can face each new day with renewed hope, peace, and joy.  And His promise is for you too.
"Because of the Lord's great love we [insert your name here] are not consumed [by fear, doubt, anxiety, hopelessness, grief, hurt, pain, etc.], for His compassions never fail.  They are new EVERY [caps mine] morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23, NIV)