If I was being Honest, You Would Know...

I apologize for my silence.  As time has progressed since our losses, weeks between posts have turned into months.  Sometimes, it's for a good reason - the fact that my heart doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning, and other times, it's because I am scared of being honest with all of you.  Recently, the latter has been true.  There have been things I wanted to say, but have been too afraid to speak.

I wrote a post a couple months ago, but never published it because I was afraid it was "too honest".  The post was inspired by Francesca Battistelli's live performance of her song, If We're Honest.  During her performance, I was challenged to be honest about our story and recent journey, but when it came to it, I lacked the courage to share.

But I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I know I am not the only one in this world who hurts.
I know I am not the only one who struggles with doubts.
I know I am not the only one who wrestles with unanswered questions.
I know I am not the only one who feels paralyzed by fear.
I know I am not the only one who knows the heartache of loss.
I know I am not the only one who doesn't understand why things happen the way they do.
I know I am not the only one who doesn't have it all figured out.

So let's be honest.

If I was being honest, you would know that our journey of trying to start a family of our own has been extremely difficult and painful.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I have endurance during this time of waiting and sometimes I am incredibly weary.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I take God at His Word and sometimes I doubt His simplest promises.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel God's healing and sometimes I feel brokenness.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel full of hope and sometimes I have none.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel peace and sometimes I feel chaos.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I am just pretending.

When we are honest, we know we are not alone.

When we are honest, we know true community.

When we are honest, we know God's unconditional love.

When we are honest, we know freedom.

When we are honest, we know healing.

What would you say "if you were being honest"?

[Please join the discussion in the comments section below.]