Still Standing

We welcomed this year with arms wide-open.  It was easy to welcome 2013 since 2012 was one of the most difficult years of our lives.  Two miscarriages.  Hopes and dreams shattered.  Two children whose lives existed, yet we were unable to meet.  It was a rough year.  We looked forward to a new beginning, and longed for the fresh start a new year would bring.

This year has brought many blessings, one of which was an unexpected new adventure in my husband's career.  It has truly been an adventure, not without sacrifice, but one full of unique experiences, beautiful community, and richness, and we are thankful.

This year has also brought two anniversaries of our losses, one anticipated due date, and an anniversary of another.  YET...

WE SURVIVED.  

We are STILL STANDING.

It feels so good to write that.  We survived.  We are still standing.  We made it through - alive.  And we did more than just make it through, we lived.  We lived our lives - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We felt deep hurt, pain, loss, and emptiness, yet we felt joy, peace, love, comfort, gratitude, and contentment.  Only God can do that, and we are thankful.

In the midst of our gratitude, however, there is one hope, one longing, and one desire that still lingers...Our hearts still long to hold a child of our own on this side of Heaven.  

This year has been one of waiting.  Sometimes I completely suck at it and others times, by God's grace, I have peace and contentment in the midst of it all.  Honestly, I would say the first part is true the majority of the time, but lately I have felt such peace and contentment, and I am thankful.

My prayers have changed these days.  Yes, we still ask that God would give us the desires of our heart, and sometimes if I am feeling really brave, I ask for His will and His timing.  But more than anything else, I find myself asking for peace and joy and contentment in the midst of it all.   And these are such sweet and beautiful gifts, and I am thankful.

Because of God's grace and generosity, we survived.  We are still standing.  We are still hoping, longing, and praying, and at times, still grieving and healing.  We are living - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We still feel hurt, pain, loss, and emptiness, yet we feel joy, peace, love, comfort, gratitude, and, contentment in the midst of it all.  Only God can do that, and we are thankful.