The Thing about Hope

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend about hope.  I have read in the Bible that hope does not disappoint us or deceive us or shame us.  I don't know about you, but my hoping heart has experienced disappointment time and time again.  I have also believed and hoped that something would be different only to feel completely deceived when circumstances did not change.  Likewise I have felt shame when I hoped really hard for something only to be let down for the twentieth time.    

Honestly, sometimes I want to give up on hope.  A heart that has been broken and feels like it's breaking all over again can cause me to feel that way sometimes.  But I know I don't have to tell you that.  I know because if you've experienced loss and longing, you know exactly what I am talking about.  Sometimes it hurts to hope.  It hurts to hope for something only to have it not happen.  It hurts have hopes and dreams for a child who is lost suddenly.  It hurts to hope that this month will be "it" only to have that "monthly visitor" break your heart again and again.

So what does the Bible mean when it says hope does not disappoint us or deceive us or shame us?  Am I not hoping the right way?  Am I not spiritual enough?  Am I forgotten?  Am I unloved?  Am I an exception to the rule?

"Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.  And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity).  And character [of this sort] produces [the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.  Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us.  While we were yet in weakness [powerless to help ourselves], at the fitting time Christ died for (in behalf of) the ungodly." - Romans 5:3-6 (AMP)

This passage begs the question:  Where am I finding my hope?

• Am I hoping that if I pray enough or the "right way" then I will finally get what I am hoping for?

• Am I hoping that if I follow some spiritual checklist then I will finally get what I am hoping for?  

• Am I hoping that if I do and say all the right things then I will finally get what I am hoping for?

• Am I hoping that if I attempt to control the situation then I will finally get what I am hoping for?

• Am I hoping that if do everything perfectly then I will finally get what I am hoping for?  

• Am I hoping that if I suffer long enough then I will finally get what I am hoping for?  

• Am I hoping that if I try hard enough then I will finally get what I am hoping for?  

The thing about hope is that it can't be rooted in the process or outcome of what we are hoping for or it will only leave us disappointed, deceived, or ashamed.  

If my hope is rooted in my hopes being fulfilled exactly as I desire then I will be disappointed.

If my hope is rooted in my attempt to control my situation and do everything "perfectly" then I am deceived.

If my hope is rooted in trying harder and harder only to fail over and over then I will feel ashamed.

This hope that never disappoints or deludes or shames us is found in God and His love, which He demonstrated by Jesus' death, and because of His death and resurrection, those who believe can have the hope of spending eternity with Him.

This is the Hope I must desperately cling to.  All others have let me down time and time again and only seem to benefit me if everything works out according to my plan, and we all know how often things go according to our plans.  There is only One who knows what the future holds so in the meantime, I am choosing to find rest in these truths:

1.) God loves me and not just me, He loves you too.

2.) My hope is not based on my efforts, but on what has already been done for me and for you too.

3.) This life isn't the end of the story - Heaven is our eternal home.

The thing about Hope is that it must be rooted in Jesus and what He has done for you and for me.  This Hope never disappoints us or deludes us or shames us.

Maybe, just Maybe

Sometimes I think my year would be better off without the month of May...maybe, just maybe.  The month of May has been one that I have dreaded since our losses.  It includes the anniversary of our first loss, Mother's Day, and the anticipated due date of our second child.

On May 10th, we faced the second anniversary of the loss of our first child, Ashton Hope.  We remembered Ashton Hope with a balloon release to celebrate his or her short, yet significant life and the way it impacted ours.

The following day was Mother's Day.  In the days leading up to that weekend, I will admit that I was fearful.  I was afraid the grief would be too much.  I was afraid of the pain.  I was afraid my heart and mind would flash back to the feelings I had felt on those days two years prior.

But...God's grace is bigger than fear.  Yes, I felt sadness.  Yes, my heart ached for our babies.  Yes, I cried many tears.  But I also felt hope and peace and love and comfort.  It came through text messages and phone calls.  It came through cards and gifts.  It came through a hug, a knowing look, and Mother's Day wishes.  It came through His people and maybe it came through you (if so, thank you).  In those moments, God reminded me that I am not forgotten, that He is the God who sees me (see Genesis 16:13).

Today marks the due date of our second child - one year later.  Today we have thought about, remembered, longed for, and missed our "Baby J", yet we have felt peace and comfort and hope.  We have also asked God to pour out His love and blessings over our sponsor child, Nilver, as he celebrates his eleventh birthday today.  It's such a gift to be able to celebrate on a day that could possibly only be filled with pain.

And really, in some ways, this is what the month of May is becoming.  A time of pain, but also a time of celebration.  I recently received one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given and it came in the month of May.  On May 8th, 2014, my best friend's daughter, Lynsey Joy, was born.  Just days before the anniversary of our first loss, God gave me an incredible gift through the love and thoughtfulness of a friend.  The honor of sharing her daughter's first name, and the opportunity to leave a legacy.

     

Lynsey Marie with Lynsey Joy

Lynsey Joy holding one of my childhood keepsakes.

               
  




Only God has a way of turning a painful month into something to be celebrated.  It looks like maybe, just maybe, my years will be better off with the month of May after all.

If I was being Honest, You Would Know...

I apologize for my silence.  As time has progressed since our losses, weeks between posts have turned into months.  Sometimes, it's for a good reason - the fact that my heart doesn't hurt as much as it did in the beginning, and other times, it's because I am scared of being honest with all of you.  Recently, the latter has been true.  There have been things I wanted to say, but have been too afraid to speak.

I wrote a post a couple months ago, but never published it because I was afraid it was "too honest".  The post was inspired by Francesca Battistelli's live performance of her song, If We're Honest.  During her performance, I was challenged to be honest about our story and recent journey, but when it came to it, I lacked the courage to share.

But I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I know I am not the only one in this world who hurts.
I know I am not the only one who struggles with doubts.
I know I am not the only one who wrestles with unanswered questions.
I know I am not the only one who feels paralyzed by fear.
I know I am not the only one who knows the heartache of loss.
I know I am not the only one who doesn't understand why things happen the way they do.
I know I am not the only one who doesn't have it all figured out.

So let's be honest.

If I was being honest, you would know that our journey of trying to start a family of our own has been extremely difficult and painful.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I have endurance during this time of waiting and sometimes I am incredibly weary.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I take God at His Word and sometimes I doubt His simplest promises.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel God's healing and sometimes I feel brokenness.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel full of hope and sometimes I have none.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel peace and sometimes I feel chaos.

If I was being honest, you would know that sometimes I feel strong and sometimes I am just pretending.

When we are honest, we know we are not alone.

When we are honest, we know true community.

When we are honest, we know God's unconditional love.

When we are honest, we know freedom.

When we are honest, we know healing.

What would you say "if you were being honest"?

[Please join the discussion in the comments section below.]