On Trying Again

It's finally that time.  The time we've been waiting for.  It's exciting, yet simultaneously terrifying.  The possibility of conceiving another child is clearly exciting, yet the possibility of losing another child is terrifying.

Before the loss, we knew a miscarriage was a possible.  We were fearful it would happen to us, but it still felt an arm's length away or at least another person's experience away.  However, this time everything is different.  It's not just possible.  It doesn't just happen.  It happened to us.  It is real.

It's difficult to explain how different it feels this time.  We have faced a reality that suggests there is a chance we will never see our hopes and dreams come to life.  We know firsthand that everything does not happen as easily or perfectly as what some of us are told.  The innocence has been lost.

We do not face this time with the same pure excitement and anticipation of our hopes and dreams literally coming to life.  Instead, it is now threaded with tremendous fear and anxiety.  Fear of the unknown.  Will we be able to get pregnant again?  Will we be able to conceive in the same time frame as before?  Is my body able to carry a child to full-term?  Will our child be healthy?  Will we loose another child and go through this all over again?

Yet, even when all our fear and anxiety is staring us in the face, we press onward.  We choose to try again even though it may mean we will loose another child.  We choose to open our hearts to another child even if it means we may never hold him or her in our arms on this earth.  This is hope and courage even in the midst of the most terrifying fear and paralyzing anxiety.   

So here's to what is completely and utterly out of our control.  We surrender our wants and desires to God once again, yet ferociously hope we will see our hopes and desires come to fruition.  We have done all that is within our power and control.  The rest is in God's hands.  Now, we eagerly await the next couple weeks to see what only time will tell.

[NOTE:  This post is a reflection of events, thoughts, and feelings that occurred in September 2012.]