I'm learning that grief creates many "just one of them days". Today, my "just one of them days" began with a simple conversation and question, "How have you been doing?" A question that was directly related to how I have been dealing with the miscarriage. I responded quickly, "alright". And up until that moment, I had been doing "alright", possibly even "pretty good" or "good". However, that moment opened up a window to my grief and suddenly all my feelings came flooding in.
Although I appreciated the gesture and knew in my heart that the person had all the love and care in the world for my well-being, all I wanted to do was hurry up and get the conversation over with because it became a vivid reminder that I actually wasn't "alright". Thus beginning my "just of them days" experience. Following the conversation, I began wrestling with emotions and questions in my head and just wanted to isolate myself from the world. Also, as the day went on I noticed myself becoming more and more irritable and extremely stressed and frustrated by the simplest things.
As the irritability escalated, my husband gently checked in with me to see how I was doing, and I responded, "It's just one of those days." He graciously accepted the answer and my response helped me better understand what I had been wrestling with over the past four hours or so. When we're grieving, we have "just one of them days" or two or three or ten or fifty. It seems to be part of the grieving process and it's okay.
I am realizing that it is okay to have "just one of them days". However, it's important for me to acknowledge when and understand why I am having "just one of them days". If I fuel my irritability and hurt others with my actions then it becomes something else besides "just one of them days". If I can acknowledge why I am irritable and admit that I am sad and missing my baby today or that I'm just plain angry or upset that it had to happen this way then I can heal.
I can't heal without feeling the feelings, thinking the thoughts, and asking the questions. Even though I'd much rather ignore the feelings, thoughts, and questions, and just hope it all goes away. The truth is that it doesn't. In order to heal, I've got to feel. Not dwell and stay there forever, but acknowledge my feelings, thoughts, questions, fears, disappointments, etc. Only then can God heal my heart and make me whole again.
I know how tempting it is to want to push it all deep down and ignore it. It seems much easier in the moment. And to be honest, there are times in our life when we need to do this like when we're in the middle of a meeting at work or giving a presentation, but we can't do this forever. It doesn't make it all go away, it doesn't disappear, it actually slows down the healing process.
Sometimes pushing it down during the meeting or presentation is necessary for survival, but I don't want to just survive for the rest of my life, I want to thrive. And in order to thrive, I must face the reality of my pain, which is rooted in my lost hopes, dreams, expectations, child. I must face these things in order to heal, but it's so much easier to keep it buried. For the meantime yes, but the long-term effects are even more damaging.
Lately I've been asking Jesus to help me feel when I need to feel. To not just bury it and try to hide, but to feel so can I heal. To trust that He'll provide for my needs as opposed to me groping for my survival with my own agenda. To believe that thriving is better than surviving and that healing is better than never feeling my pain.
In reality, my "just one of them days" today is a gift from God (in a way that only He can orchestrate). It's an opportunity for me to feel and acknowledge my pain, my hurts, my disappointment, and mourn my child. It's a day towards thriving instead of just surviving. It's a day towards healing instead of hiding. So on your "just one of them days", may you allow yourself to feel and God to heal so that instead of just surviving, you can begin your journey towards thriving.
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